If you listen closely you can hear the growls of the upset man-beast, Schwarzenegger, ready to charge at his prey. ‘I’ll be back damn it!! CONAN THE BARBARIAN IS MINE!!’ This, of course, before monster has actually watched the 
film. After, all we can hear are the weepy sounds of an upset twelve year old schoolgirl.
So where did it all go wrong? Well let’s start with the story. Conan’s tribe is destroyed by an evil tyrant warlord who is looking for a mask which could resurrect his wife (an evil sorceress with the power to make him a god), brutally killing Conan’s father before his very eyes. That’s it… The main characters are then introduced and there is virtually no character development throughout the entire production and unlike the original Conan films, there are no real sidekicks!!! The rest of the movie is spent with Conan skipping ‘Tra-lala-lala’ through the land randomly saving a girl and killing brainless idiots.
This film had high expectations, yet belly flopped and drowned under a pile of S***. It’s an insult to the (badly made but now cult classic) first two Conan films (1982 and 1984) which starred his highness, Mr. Universe (Arnold Schwarzenegger). Replacing him with a younger Jason Momoa (from Game of Thrones), might not have been a mistake, as he should have fit the part quite well. The rest of the cast starred Ron Pearlman (Hellboy), Stephen Lang, Rachel Nichols and to my horror…. Rose McGowan (why…..just….why….), which in all honestly sounds like, MOSTLY, a solid cast.
Stephen Lang, the villain, has one layer and is as terrifying as a Polly Pocket’s pink princess castle (actually that sound’s scary to me but you get my drift) and Rose McGowan’s acting is a bit like watching the Tele-Tubbies….pure torture. The music is quite bad and doesn’t help set the scene. I believe the best word to describe it is, cheesy.
I’ll only recommend watching this film if you’re bored but be warned, it could honestly ruin the Conan franchise for you.
Acting – 2/5 (should have been 5/5 but they really screwed up)
Plot – 1/5
Enjoyability – 2/5
Overall – 2/5 (what a disappointment)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1iJZIMddpM – official trailer
Critiquette 